As an omnivorous reader, I unconsciously categorize my books: the ones I quit partway through, those I finish but donate to a library, books I keep for repeat reads, and, top of the heap, the treasured titles I underline and dog ear, the better to savor and re-savor certain passages. Michael Ignatieff’s On Consolation belongs […]
Lincoln Andrews
Life seemed as good as it gets in early 2021, with a happy family, a job I loved, and a long-desired move out of the Bible Belt to the Pacific Northwest.
My world split open on September 12th, when my son Josh took his life.
Once a film critic, I now write to make sense of the new world I find myself in, to remember my beautiful boy and to help myself heal. I draw from 28 years’ experience as a mental health professional, but I mainly write as a dad who misses his boy. Hopefully, other secular suicide survivors (and those who love them) will find my words useful.
Follow Lincoln on Facebook at facebook.com/lincolnandrewsB612 and Twitter @LincolnAndrew10
(Lincoln Andrews is a pseudonym, used not out of shame, but for professional privacy. Everything else is true and honest to the best of my ability.)
Posted inDeath & Dying, Psychology
Speaking of suicide: How institutions help people and save lives
As soon as I finished Ann Herrold’s OnlySky column on suicide and psychiatric care, I knew I needed to respond. (If you haven’t checked it out, please read it first). I knew my own column would call upon crucial aspects of my identity: psychiatrist, community educator on mental health, a person who’s battled depression and […]
Posted inDeath & Dying, Leaving Religion, Religion
Disbelieve as you grieve: Rejecting the Almighty God of Mental Illness
Imagine no mental illness It isn’t hard to do No suicide, no grieving And no hospitals, too Apologies to John Lennon for those lyrics, but if you can imagine these things, you’re smarter than God. If an all-loving, all-powerful deity existed, why couldn’t He visualize a world free of mental illness, then proceed to create […]
Posted inDeath & Dying, Psychology
Religious toxicity and grief: When to ignore, when to retaliate
After my son’s suicide, I was unprepared for the religious toxicity spewed my way. At first, I dodged it as uselessly as Newman with the frilly dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. But I learned quickly, and unlike Newman, I made it out alive. By setting boundaries in proportion to the offense, my mind could focus on […]
Posted inDeath & Dying, Psychology
Dilemmas in suicide’s aftermath: How far to dig for the irrational why?
This is a heavier column than usual, so I’m opening with a content warning. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please reach out to someone you trust, establish care with a therapist, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800-273-8255), or go to your nearest emergency room. Please stick around. We need you. This column is […]
Posted inDeath & Dying, Psychology
Dilemmas in suicide’s aftermath: To disclose or not to disclose?
In the days and weeks after my son Josh took his life, I was faced with several painful predicaments. How do I break the news, to family, friends, coworkers, neighbors? How deeply do I dig for the irrational why, in cellphone, laptop, autopsy report? How do I handle religious aggression and other boundary violations? How […]
Posted inDeath & Dying, Psychology
Mourning and remembrance without an afterlife safety net
I’m afraid of forgetting. Terrified, even. There’s a reason for my athazagoraphobia. With the unspoken rule of silence surrounding my mother’s death when I was 17, I can no longer remember her voice. The voice of the person who was central to my formative years. That’s tragic. Now that I’m 53, I’m facing the second […]
Posted inBooks, Death & Dying, Psychology
Clear eyes, heavy hearts in ‘A Matter of Death and Life’
Walk the “grief and loss” section of a bookstore, and you’re waist deep in woo. “Find comfort in knowing your loved one is in a place of no tears and no pain.” “Deepen your relationship with God as you mourn.” As a person who once grieved religiously, I’ve learned this emphasis on faith is a […]
Posted inPsychology
Stuff they don’t tell you about grieving: The ‘Space Cadet’ stage
During my days as a therapist for combat vets with PTSD, my patients would routinely tell me, “Doc, I’ve got CRS.” As in Can’t Remember Shit. Since my son Josh died, I’ve had a rip-roaring case of it myself. I stand motionless in the kitchen, puzzling over what I was planning to do next. I […]
Posted inHealth, Psychology
Naomi Judd, guns, and suicide: Public health and the 2nd Amendment
America loves its guns, even though that love affair is killing us. If you own a gun, don’t worry. I’m not coming after them. I know of many nonreligious folks, like Seth Andrews, the popular Thinking Atheist podcaster, who own firearms. But as a secular humanist, don’t you want to live a life guided by […]